Intuition

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Over the past couple of weeks, I have noticed my intuition getting stronger. I have always been intuitive and empathic, but these incredibly strong intuitive feelings have been few and far between, up until recently. It is really difficult to deal with “knowing” things, but not being able to do anything about it. This is something I know I can fully accept one day though. I am a criminal justice major, and I have always been drawn to missing persons and cold cases. I usually get vague feelings about what may have happened, but it is hard to distinguish vague intuitive feelings from what might just be a guess.

During the summer of 2015, I had an encounter with a spirit that I could feel, but not necessarily hear. I was bombarded with images of what happened to a young woman, how she died, images of who killed her, where she was killed etc. This led me to scan missing persons websites, and websites regarding Jane Does. One day on my search, I found an image that looked very similar to the young woman that I saw in my head. What I actually saw looked like a sketch that was done of her recently combined with a clay reconstruction done in the early 90’s. When I found her page, it felt like a lightning bolt hit my solar plexus. However, I felt that it wasn’t necessarily HER spirit, but another victim of the same killer. She was presenting THIS young woman’s story to me because it was easy for me to connect the dots to show me that this was a real experience, and not just my imagination. I found out that the young woman who I was seeing in my head was buried in the cemetery next to my apartment complex for about 20 years before her remains were exhumed for further examination. I moved to this town in 2013, so this was not a case that I knew of. Her body was found in 1993, when I was 8 years old. I ended up having a remote viewing episode for the first time during this experience. The spirit hung around me for a few weeks but there was nothing I could do with the information that I received, and eventually this spirit went away.

A couple weeks ago, I saw a story on Facebook about an elderly woman and her great-granddaughter that went missing on Christmas eve. In my mind, I saw a vehicle in a wooded area, and that they were both alive but ‘stuck’ somehow and would be found. I saw them eating snacks in the vehicle, and that they had drinks with them. I felt slight confusion when thinking about the elderly woman, turning into worry after the vehicle became stuck. This turned out to be fairly accurate.

On New Year’s eve, a 6 year old boy went missing, and a 13 year old boy from the same area went missing the next day. I discussed my feelings with a friend, and told her that I felt that the 13 year old was fine, with a friend, and would be found soon. I told her that I felt that the 6 year old was deceased. On January 2nd, I decided to join the search efforts for the little boy to see if I could pick anything else up intuitively. I signed the volunteer agreement, presented my identification to the police and walked straight to a pond near the parking lot at the park. This pond was searched previously, but I was drawn to it. I spent about half an hour walking around it, but could not see anything. I walked around the neighborhood for a few hours, then my friend suggested that I borrow her dowsing rods. It was too windy to use them outside, but I did go pick them up and I used them in the parking lot in my car with my arms stretched over the passenger seat to use them properly. I do not have a lot of experience using them, but I know the basics of how to use them. I asked for the direction of his body, and it pointed in the general area of the pond, then they started spinning in huge circles. I didn’t understand what that meant. I left, then a press conference took place, in which police requested that volunteers stop searching so they could bring in a different canine unit. This canine unit directed them to the pond, where they ended up using a dive team to search. Unfortunately, that is where his body was discovered. I have other intuitive feelings regarding this incident, but feel that I cannot share them at this time out of respect.

There are also two other missing persons cases that are still active that I felt drawn to. One is a female from Littleton that disappeared June 29th, and I felt that police should have been searching dumpsters and landfills back in July, so I have been very frustrated with how her case has been handled. Thankfully, they finally started searching a landfill last November, but have halted a few times due to the weather. AGAIN. Another reason they should have started searching back in July. I truly believe this case would have been solved already, but I still believe there will be a sad resolution here eventually once they finish searching the landfill. Until then, the perpetrator is free. At least they know who he is, and can monitor him until they have enough evidence for an arrest.

The other missing persons case is regarding a 16 year old girl who disappeared mid July. I believe that she met someone on the internet, is most likely being drugged and possibly trafficked. I feel that she is currently alive, but I do not have any feelings as to when/how this will end yet. I am hoping for a positive resolution here though!

Back in June, I spoke with James Van Praagh. I had signed up for one of his classes earlier in the year, and a brief phone reading was included. He encouraged me to keep going in the criminal justice field, but to find psychic mentors that could help me further develop my abilities and he suggest that I read books by Kathlyn Rhea, who was a psychic detective that passed away a few years ago, but was a friend of his. I am almost done with her book called, “The Psychic is You” and I bought her other book called “Mind Sense” but have not read it yet. I think I will be taking the rest of his advice though, and search for a mentor.

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It’s Easier to Love Humanity as a Whole Than to Love One’s Neighbor

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With everything that has happened since Trump became the Republican nominee, this quote comes to my mind. I consider myself to be fairly loving, open, and accepting of those that think differently than I do. However, I do have my limits, and being this person is becoming very difficult.

I do understand why many voted for Trump, and many are good people who do not accept his hateful speech or behaviors. Many of Trump voters are angry about how some Trump supporters have taken Trump’s victory as a free pass to harass and assault women, minorities, and members of the LGBTQ community. The problem is, everyone knew who he was before they voted for him. He was, and is, the embodiment of hate. Just as there are ‘bad apples’ in the group of Trump supporters, there are ‘bad apples’ who support Clinton, and ‘bad apples’ that support third parties or chose not to vote because they did not like their options. Trumps hatred is like a disease that is spreading, not just to his supporters, but spreading to those that oppose him as well. I have seen videos of Trump supporters being attacked, but the amount of those videos and stories are no where near the amount of stories I have read and videos I have watched where Trump supporters were the ones attacking women and minorities.

I still cannot return the hate for him or the people who voted for him.

The memes I have seen, and the posts and comments I have read in regards to the MANY Trump protests that are occurring do upset me. So many people seem to think the protests are happening because ‘democrats didn’t get their way and a Republican will be in office’ or because ‘their candidate did not win’. I apologize, but what fucking planet are you living on? Can you remove your blindfold for just a minute here. People are protesting because they do not want the embodiment of hate to lead their country. They are not okay with banning Muslims, they are not okay with women’s and LGBTQ rights being squashed, and they are not okay with racism or making fun of people with disabilities. As I have said, there are ‘bad apples’ in this group that now have developed a different form of hate; a hate against those who do not understand this, or full out support what they are trying to fight against. Bottom line, the hate is dividing all of us, and the violence and harassment on all sides needs to end if we want to get anywhere. If you cannot understand why people are protesting, then ask someone to explain it, or keep to yourself. It hurts those that are fighting really hard for their rights, or rights of loved ones when you say, “stop whining and accept it”, or “we didn’t do this when Obama took office.” OF COURSE YOU DIDN’T. YOUR RIGHTS AND SAFETY WERE NOT BEING THREATENED. Please remember, “we” did not protest like this when Bush took office, either. We were sad, but this is a much different situation here.

This is why this quote is coming to my mind. It is easy to say that I love, and will not hate, humanity as a whole, but when you see individual comments filled with hatred or blindness, it makes it hard to love that individual.

I do not have any problem when I cannot see eye to eye with someone. This is not the point. I have friends and family that support Trump, and while I disagree with this very deeply, none of them are directly spreading hate. It does make the relationships a little more difficult though. I have lots of gay family members, a couple Muslim friends, black friends and family, I have a disability and have friends and family members with disabilities. How would I try to make my Trump supporting friends and family understand WHY Trump is a problem? I have stated my reasoning publicly, but how do I get them to TRULY understand? The fact is, I can’t. People have their beliefs, including political views for various reasons. It’s like being at opposite ends of a 6 and a 9. From their point of view, a 6 is a 6 and that is the end of the story. I see a 9, and everyone on my side sees a 9 too. No one can turn their head enough to realize that it could be both, or look at from the side and it’s neither, it’s just a design. No letter, no number.

I am grateful that this situation has caused many to wake up to the problems in our political system and all the problems and division that the media causes. I have never seen so many people fired up to actually want to do something to make a difference. Perhaps this happened for a reason, to wake people up. Maybe we can finally actually make a difference now that we have the numbers.

I do apologize if this offends anyone, but this is just my opinion and my way of thinking and you certainly do not have to agree and feel free to unfollow. I have turned off the comments due to a lot of the hateful speech I have read recently.

 

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

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Despite knowing and trusting that the universe always takes care of me and my family, I still have days where I am filled with anxiety. I know many ways to cope with anxiety attacks, but the generalized anxiety can feel quite debilitating at times. I recently made a very tough decision to withdraw from school. I am about 80% done with the course requirements for my bachelor’s degree, but with lack of income and bills piling up, I couldn’t deal with the added pressure of all the papers I was responsible for writing every week. I do plan on going back next year, but with this hiccup, it will cost a lot of money out of pocket to return. I feel a sense of relief, combined with a lot of guilt, but I think leaving school just for now is for the best until I get a grip on everything else. I took work as an independent contractor through Scuddle, driving and making deliveries. This is convenient for me because I can take shifts on days that I feel that I can work, and not be obligated to work on days like today when my anxiety is at its peak. I would suggest work like this to anyone who struggles to work due to anxiety or depression and cannot get on disability.

Another stressor for me is that I have had two well known, very accurate psychics predict that my family may be moving to the northern part of the east coast, and that the trigger for this move would happen Oct/Nov of this year. This stresses me out because I HATE the cold that the northern east coast experiences. I prefer warm weather, but I live in Colorado so we usually get a fair amount of cold and snow anyway. I do not want to move somewhere that is even colder in the winter! I hate apartment living, but there isn’t anywhere in the state that we can afford due to the high rental rates that began with the legalization of marijuana. I definitely want to move and rent a house until we can buy one some day, but preferably somewhere a little warmer.

I just need to remember to keep trusting the universe, and destroy any fears by facing them head on.

A Night to Remember

 A weekend of music, trips to the beach, random detours, and new experiences  with one of my best friends was exactly what I needed to escape, but our final evening in California was the most incredible night ever. We arrived at Ohanafest shortly before Lana del Rey was scheduled to take the stage. She was late, and ended early as usual, but it was still an incredible show. Listening to her sing “High by the Beach” live at a concert by the beach while another random concert goer passed a joint to me was quite epic! We decided to walk towards the beach instead of follow the crowd of people out of the concert. I usually do not do anything too crazy, but something came over me that night. It may have been the vodka, but I was overwhelmed with a feeling to just do something wild. The waves were amazing and the stars were very bright! I threw my tank top and shorts on the ground and bolted into the ocean. I only went waist deep into the water and ducked under each wave that passed by. All of the dead, stagnant energy that I had felt over the past few weeks seemed to be washed away as the waves rolled over my head. I played in the water like a child for almost an hour before the patrols started clearing people off the beach. Thankfully I was wearing another tank top and spank shorts under my clothes, because my friend was sitting a little too close to the water and most of my belongings were covered in sand and drenched in water! I ended up walking back to our rental car with my clothes in a bucket and zero shame. It was definitely a night that I will never forget!

Reality Check

I started this blog two years ago. I began re-reading my posts, which made me realize that I have grown quite a bit, but I still feel so ‘stuck’. Two years ago, I did not really know how to get unstuck. Now, I consciously know where my feelings of being stuck come from (ME), but I am having a really hard time making the changes that need to be made.

I am constantly going back and forth between knowing that I am constantly a work in progress and accepting that, and thinking that things should be better and different for me NOW. I admit, I am terribly impatient, especially when it comes to myself.

Two years ago, I was struggling with school because I feel that I am not learning very much writing essay after essay. I learn by doing. Now, I am still struggling for the same reason, but at least I am closer to finishing my bachelor’s degree than I was two years ago. I even earned a certification in forensics, but that alone won’t help me get a job unfortunately. But still….I earned it! I am TRYING to be proud of myself, but I admit, sometimes an extra pat on the back helps. Crazy enough, an actress that I looked up to as a pre-teen/teen added me on Facebook earlier this year, and congratulated me on that accomplishment, along with many other family and friends. Even then, it still isn’t enough of an incentive for me to get over myself and put in more effort to do better in school.

Two years ago, I would not have even tried to apply for a job. Now, I have had my resume professionally reviewed, and I continue to apply for jobs daily, despite all the rejection letters I get. I do really think that getting a job will help me a great deal. I would be able to get out of my daily rut that I find myself in because I would have something else to focus on and a reason to leave the house on a daily basis. I wish I could find a job that included travelling or working with missing persons cases. This is why I continue with school despite how much I hate it. I am trying to keep my eye on the prize here, it just isn’t easy for me to do.

I decided to do a tarot spread this morning. These are two important cards that came up for me.
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Basically, I am the only person preventing me from reaching my destiny. I know this, and I take full responsibility for it. I wouldn’t say that the words “trapped in fear” really describe my situation, but I am trapped by my thoughts and my way of thinking. It’s like the cat that is in a carrier, feeling trapped while looking out the door of the carrier, not realizing that the top is removed. The top of my cage is probably removed for me to be able to escape, I just cannot see it right now.

This is what the book says about these cards. This is “The Psychic Tarot Oracle Deck” by John Holland.

“Trapped in fear: This card reveals that it’s actually your own fear that has you immobilized and trapped- preventing you  from making decisions or choices. You are the one who’s holding yourself prisoner (or hostage); and in order to continue your journey, you must first face your fears so that new people and conditions can manifest. Many individuals choose to stay in this place because they can’t see the road ahead, they feel a misguided sense of safety there, or they’re  afraid of starting something new. But staying will only add to your levels of stress and anxiety and create adverse effects in your physical body. Seek out wise counsel for assistance. You don’t have to do this alone, but know that you possess all the tools  that you need to free yourself– you’re forgetting how strong you really are! This period will end when you use your mind to cut through the limitations caused by your emotions”

“Destiny: Good luck and fortune are now in your favor. A cycle of change, success, and growth are imminent. Life ebbs and flows in its natural journey, and the Destiny Card signifies that good karma has come full circle- Lady Luck is pointing directly at you. What you sowed, you’re about to reap. Open up your heart, and accept and receive what you’ve earned. Opportunities, whether expected or unexpected, are knocking at your door. This is a time to allow your problems to be replaced by solutions. Believe in destiny as you learn to let go of old issues. You’re being given the chance to understand the lessons and gain wisdom from the past, enabling you to move steadily forward in a positive direction. Holding on to a strong belief that you deserve to be happy and prosperous and have abundance in all areas of your life is the key. This confident mind-set will show you that the impossible can indeed become the possible. With this card, take advantage of all opportunities! Act now, take responsibility for your actions, and enjoy the fact that destiny is presently in your favor. Don’t always rely on luck, however, for the wheel most definitely will turn again.”

 

Grief

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I love this outlook on grief because it really resonates with me. One really difficult aspect of grief is dealing with people who love me, but are not grieving because they do not know the person I am loosing, or were not very close to this person.

I know they mean well by saying, “Hey! Let’s go do this!” or “This will cheer you up!” or “Try to remember the good times.”…Thanks for caring, but please, fuck off.

When I was three, my father got married. I only saw him every other weekend and holidays, and at times when he moved out of state, I would spend about a week with him and my step mother. My parents were never married (thank god). This wonderful woman and her entire family accepted me and love me, and I accepted them as my family and love them as well. My father and step-mother divorced when I was 11, but I still spent time with my step mother and her family whenever I could. I never divorced her or her family, and they never divorced me. When you connect with people on a deep level, whether they are blood or not, a forever-bond is formed. This is what happened between me, her and her family. As a child, I played with my ‘cousins’ (her brother and sister-in-law’s children) and loved spending time with my ‘aunt and uncle’. They were the most loving, positive people I have ever met in my life. When I was little, they usually lived in a different state. When my father and step mother moved to Texas, and later to Florida, my aunt, uncle and cousins were nearby. I loved taking trips to see my father and step mother, and having my aunt, uncle and cousins around was a huge bonus! As an adult, my aunt, uncle and cousins moved to Colorado, where I live. I was so excited to see them more often. For many years, I spent the majority of my Saturday nights with them singing at karaoke bars. They threw amazing parties, threw birthday parties for me, and we spent several holidays together. These are some of the best and happiest memories of my life. Whenever I needed advice or just needed to vent, I always had my aunt to lean on. She was a big mother figure in my life.

In August 2014, my ‘aunt’ was diagnosed with a Glioblastoma (brain cancer). I felt absolutely devastated at the thought of her not being in my life anymore. I fell into a severe depression for months. When she started to get better, I felt relieved but always knew the severity of her condition, and it’s been a constant worry for me for the past two years.Two nights ago, I got a text message saying that she has taken a turn for the worse, and to keep her in our thoughts because her life would be coming to an end soon. This was followed by a ‘goodbye’ text. All of the feelings that I felt when she was first diagnosed returned with the reality that she really is not going to be here anymore.

There are a lot of aspects of grief that I struggle with, and constantly have to remind myself that my struggles are okay. Even though I am quite aware that it is only her body that is dying, and that her soul will always be around, it’s still okay to be sad and miss her. When my grandfather died, he came up to my room to say goodbye and I still see him on occasion. I’m sure this will be the same with my aunt. When my great-grandmother died when I was 9 years old, my body was asleep in my bed, but I was there holding her hand as she took herself off oxygen. Death is a beautiful part of life, but it is still okay to grieve. It is not okay to compare your level of grief with someone else’s. Everyone grieves differently. As horrible as I feel, I cannot imagine how her children or husband feel. Part of me feels like she wasn’t my mother, so I should not feel THIS awful, but I do. No one may understand that, and that is okay too. Another part of me feels like I should not be sad because of the beautiful place that she will be able to go to once she passes, but I still am very sad. I may be able to see her once she passes, but I do not know for sure. I can only hope. I know she chose what she would experience in this life before she was even born, but the thought of her absence in physical form still breaks my heart. There are times when I am okay with her leaving this physical world, there are times when I cannot help the tears roll like waves down my face, and other times where I cannot help but have an ‘ugly cry’. Grief really is like the ocean, and I am swimming to the best of my ability. Ocean image

“There are no limits, except for those that we impose on ourselves”

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I read an interesting article today. (http://www.collective-evolution.com/2014/11/16/your-7th-sense/)

“Our sixth sense has been feared and revered since humans were a much more primitive species, depending on what period of history you had the (mis)fortune of being born in. If you were lucky enough be born into a Native American tribe, you may have been recognized for your inner genius and exalted as your community’s shaman.”

I can really relate to this section of the article. I have witnessed through dreams what I have gone through in past lives for having abilities, and it isn’t pretty. More than one psychic has described these experiences during readings in eerie detail that match up with my dreams. I am consciously aware that my fear of using any abilities I have stems from my negative past life experiences, but it doesn’t make it easier for that fear to go away. I consciously know that in this life, if I use my abilities, the worst things that could happen would be saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, or being mocked by those that do not understand. It still doesn’t make things any easier, and my dreams really stick with me whether I want them to or not. I would say my worst past life experience would have been having nails hammered into my knees!

The article also discussed using your “7th sense”. It was written in a way that makes it seem so simple to access this “place” beyond space and time, where all questions you have can be answered if you focus and try really hard. Maybe it is “that easy” for some, but definitely not for me. Some people have a beautiful, natural ability to access this space, but I believe that this space is not as easily accessible as described in the article for a reason.

For the past couple years, I have felt growth in regards to consciousness and abilities, and growth is hard. Nobody has the same path, and it makes it hard to relate to others, whether they are far beyond where I am, or far behind. It can feel quite isolating at times. I love the example mentioned in the movie, “Stir of Echoes”, where it compares abilities to being in a dark tunnel with a flashlight. Some people have a bright flashlight, some have a flashlight that only turns on once in a while. My flashlight is turning on more and more, but I am not yet in a place where I can make sense of what I see all the time. I can ‘open up’ and not see anything, and with another attempt, I can see things quite clearly, depending on what I am trying to focus on. The real wild ride comes when I ‘open up’ without focusing on anything. I can see certain situations from various perspectives, and not just the perspectives of other people, but other ‘beings’ or ‘energies’ that I cannot fully describe. At one point, in my mind, I stepped back to watch time. It was a place where past, present and future were all happening simultaneously. I hope to one day have more control and understanding about what I experience, but I already have more control and understanding now than I had two years ago when my ‘growth’ started to accelerate. All I can really confidently say about whatever is happening is that it is all very beautiful! I have developed a deep appreciation for both the light and the dark, and a sense of gratitude for everything.

 

 

 

 

 

Common Theme to Learn From

Sometimes when scrolling on social media sites, I will see common thoughts or emotions expressed by friends and family members who do not know each other and are located in various places all over the world. The most common theme this week is valuing your time on Earth, owning your life, taking of opportunities that cross your path to better yourself, and believing in yourself. I have seen so many posts, quotes, and pictures referencing this life lesson. Then a couple songs play back to back on Pandora. These are songs I’ve heard a million times, but never really listened to because it’s not the usual music I prefer.

And then I realized that this is my favorite concert venue, the place I used to climb and sneak into caves, the place where someone’s ashes are spread–Red Rocks.

This was the other one.

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….or I could just be high….The world may never know.

Old Myspace Blogs…Oh, the memories!

8/23/2008: Dreams

1: I was in Washington talking to my cousin that I haven’t seen in a long time. It was a normal conversation, but she was 3 feet taller than me. Weird. Then the next one started.

2: I was alone in a small hotel room. I heard repeated banging on the walls while I was sleeping. I look at the clock. Its 4 am. I am pissed. This banging is coming from the huge suite next to my tiny room. I got up and knocked on the door to tell the person next to me to knock it the hell off. Just as I suspected, there is Emily Deschanel really pissed off. She too, was about 3 feet taller than me and really really skinny. She was trying to get ready to go somewhere and someone was supposed to help her get ready but they didnt show up. So she kept throwing the hotel furniture against the wall. I told her to stop but she wouldnt and I just kept getting more and more pissed at her and threatened to get her kicked out of her room. Finally she promised to stop as long as I made her cinnamon toast with crushed red pepper. (wtf?) So I did, she stopped throwing furniture and I went back to my room and went to sleep.

Then I woke up. WTF kinda dream is that?

10/20/2008: Blog entry/Dream

I am excited to see if anything new comes up about who the Zodiac Killer was. I have been reading a lot about Jack Tarrance who passed away in 2006, and a lot of it seems valid, while some things still don’t add up. I’m not sure what to believe at this point. So far this guy Dennis Kaufman (Jack Tarrance’s step son) has allegedly found cameras and film containing pictures of the murders, an old knife with dried blood, the Zodiac killers “costume” from the Lake Berryessa murders as well as an indirect confession from Jack Tarrance. I cant wait to see if the FBI gets any DNA evidence from his dentures! Its hard to tell if Dennis Kaufmans “evidence” against his step father is real or a hoax.

I had the most graphic horrible dream a few nights ago. It was so weird. I had a dream inside my dream that my friend had died and it involved a plane. In my dream, I woke up and tried to warn her about it. She said, oh, im not going anywhere on a plane anytime soon. The next night (inside this dream) I had the dream again and I started walking to her house. When I got there, a military plane had crashed into her house. I saw that she was impaled by something metal and she was completely burned black except for half of her face. While I was there, I got a phone call and another one of my friends ex-boyfriends had followed her to her moms house. That night, he killed her and kidnapped her baby. At the end I was lucid dreaming and could not come out of it at all. It completely trapped me. I lucid dream a lot but I am always able to wake myself up very easily. It was really weird.

Things are going really well here in Washington. I get bored a lot, but the kids love the pool at the YMCA and going to the beach to find sea shells and see all the birds. My husband is working for my uncle until all his military business is sorted out. He got a discharge from the Colorado National Guard so that he could go active duty with the army. So far all of that is going well! We still dont know when he will be leaving for basic training just yet.

On Saturday, I drove for 2 hours to Seattle to film a web commercial for “cultureweb” It was a lot of fun! There were 9 of us and we all had a blast! After that I met with an agent and got some head shots taken. They sucked, but the agency is good. I contacted some of the people represented by them and they said they always have work coming in so I’m excited to give them a shot.

On Sunday my cousin came by that I havent seen since I was 9 or 10. She is a year older than me and everyone says we look alike, but I dont think so. It was good to see her though!

We have been potty training Jake more lately. Over the past few months we have let him go at his own pace. But yesterday he discovered that he could wear “boxers like daddy” instead of diapers and has been asking to use the potty on his own. It will still take a bit more time for bedtime, but Im very proud of him! He has been picking up so many good and bad things lately. He recently picked up “bitchin” and “fuckin” which I am trying to break him of ASAP by encouraging other words instead like “talkin” instead of “bitchin” and “picking up” instead of “fuckin” because he usually uses it as “fuckin mess!” But on the other hand he has also picked up most of his “abcs” and can count to 5 so far.

2/19/2009: Song from Dream

the letter you sent to me
to try and make me see
that im damaged beyond repair
you say
im not worth your friendship
until my soul is healed
that you’d rather never see me again
than to see me constantly down
but
what you cant see
is that I was on top of the world
until I read those words
you spoke your truth into my existence
what you cant see
is the real me
you never did
you never will
you only saw bits and pieces
and you assumed those sad bits and pieces
were all the pieces
of the puzzle that is me

I dont remember ever writing something in my dream then remembering it when i wake up. In my dream, a friend of mine wrote me a letter saying that she didnt want to be friends, so this is what I responded to her with. There was more to it but  I dont remember what the last half of it was.  I used to write songs and poetry all the time. I have 3 full journals of writing but they ended about 5 years ago. I dont know why. I just randomly stopped. Maybe this is just part of my subconsious remembering what I used to do so much. Who knows.

2/22/2009: My commentary on the Oscars (I was pregnant)

Made me cry.

Then puke.

Seriously.

I bet you did NOT wanna know that.

And I only watched from the beginning of best director to best actor.

Hormones are so fun. Not really. Im being sarcastic.

2/26/2009: Didn’t realize til today I correctly predicted my daughter’s birthday lol

Went to my first doctors appointment today. Still early but so far so good. My new estimated due date is Oct. 31st. A Halloween baby! But knowing my babies it will probably arrive at least 3 weeks early like Jake and Silas did, so more like around Oct. 10th-ish. This past week has been uncomfortable so far. I have never been so dizzy in my life! And almost every time I lay down it feels like ive been drinking and have the spins. I know it will pass though. Adam and I are very excited.

3/20/2009: Pregnancy

Ive decided im sticking with my original due date of 10/31 since the date the ultrasound tech gave me (11/09) is impossible. Ive googled lots of ultrasound pictures of close to 8 weeks and close to 6-7 weeks. Mine most definitely looks like an 8 week baby. Babys heart rate is 139. When I was in for my first appointment, a nurse mentioned that their portable machines kept “breaking” to where the due dates were off. I find that hard to believe that they are going through a bunch of faulty machines where thats the only thing that “breaks” on them so I am going with a faulty ultrasound tech.

juju

4/19/2009: A Bad Day

This has been by far the most shitty day I’ve had in a long time. A close family friend passed away. Grace had lung cancer and fought for five years even though she was told she definitely wouldn’t live that long. After my mom brought her holy water and holy dirt from Chimayo, she used it regularly and attributed it to her getting better and living a few more years. She got
pneumonia and went to the hospital and got MRSA. Even though she will be missed its good to know she no longer has to fight being sick and now she can just be in peace. I’ve known this woman my whole life and my mom has known her since she was 12 years old. When we were told Silas was a girl at 18 weeks, we decided to name our child after her but didnt since Silas was a boy.
She will be dearly missed.

The Ladies That Figuratively Haunt My Mind

gears

I see their pictures pop up on the side of my Facebook newsfeed. Their pictures trigger aggravation, then anger, then a flow of images run through my mind. The flow of images makes me dizzy. I fix it by blasting music through my headphones to shut my mind off.

I’ll start with the first that has popped up in my dreams 1-2 times per year for many, many years now. She disappeared in 1990. I was five at the time. In my dreams, I see her arguing with a male (I know who he is, but I am not naming names) and getting upset, getting in her car and going home. The male follows her to her townhouse, which is not far from where my dreams begin. I see her going up stairs and the male entering her home behind her after she closes the door, causing the fight that began at his home to escalate. I see them yelling at each other. She is standing on the stairs, and he is standing in the entryway. He walks towards her going up the steps and stars to hit her. I go between seeing it from a 3rd party perspective to seeing it though her eyes at this point. She hits her head and is knocked out. I don’t know if she was knocked unconscious or if the hit to the head was fatal, but at this is the point where I loose her and wake up. I sometimes wish that my dream would continue, just once, so I could see where her remains are. She is still technically missing, but I know she is deceased.

The second one, I have “felt” for almost a year now. I started seeing her picture all the time online, but I didn’t know why her picture kept popping up. I thought it may be her, but I could never fully sense her like I have with other spirits. I later learned that it was not her, but another spirit whose life was taken by the same individual. I assume this other spirit may have been using her image and experience to get to me because for me, certain dots just connected with her which gave me validation that I beg for when it comes to experiencing things I don’t fully understand.  After finally giving in and clicking on her picture to learn more about this mysterious young woman, I realized that she had spent almost 20 years buried in the cemetery next to my apartment as a “doe”. This is when I started to allow more of a connection with whomever this spirit was. I went on a remote viewing journey (I don’t know how else to describe it) and saw her with a male, a female, and possibly another female. I see them at an outdoor gathering and they are drinking. They are approached by an officer, and this makes the young woman very nervous. A picture is taken of her, but I don’t know who took it or where the picture is. She lies to the officer out of nervousness. She insists on leaving the gathering and camping elsewhere because she is afraid the police may return. Her little group gets in a light blue Toyota and drives off. She is told that they are headed to another campsite, and drive down a road that has the same name as the campsite she is told they are headed to, but it is not the correct road. She is not aware of this until they reach a large, closed gate and turn around. The male driver gets angry at her and yanks her out of the car. He attempts to sexually assault her, but ends up hitting her in the head with a nearby rock to make her be quiet. He realizes she is dead, and throws her in the trunk. I feel another female, at least one in the passenger seat in shock and unsure of what to do, so she stays quiet out of fear. They proceed to get back on the main road and go to the campsite. The male rigs up a fake tent and places her body inside, knowing this will give him plenty of time to get away, which it did. She wasn’t his first or his last.  I still can’t get a good reading of her name, but it feels like an “A” name, or possibly this was the name of the other spirit. I do not know for sure. I hope that one day she can be identified.